“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
Over 2 months ago my husband, Ed, came back from a Target run with book in the photo. He’s learned not to let me loose for too long in Target, because like all of you, I come back home with $100 of extra things I didn’t know we absolutely needed. So it was unlike him to pick up a random book for me, but he said “It looked like something you would read and it was 30% off.” Clearly win win. I thanked him, because it really was sweet and put it on my desk with the rest of the books I buy on amazon and don’t read, because I rarely have time to read for fun. I hadn’t given it a second thought until yesterday.
You haven’t heard from me in awhile because I have been all over the place both physically and mentally, even emotionally sometimes. Traveling, coordinating my 4 kids at home for the summer, mothering, wife-ing, housekeeping, and of course therapizing. But amidst all of it I have been listening and thinking. I am grateful that when I make the time to listen to my life, my family, myself and most importantly God, the messages are loud and clear.
And the message this time is that I have to make room.. for what I’m not completely sure, but that is the faith part of this. Making room for me means making more time for my family, for my friends, those people who sometimes I’ve unknowingly sacrificed for my productivity. It is making room to do the things I know I’m being called to in this season- to study, to write, to speak. When I’m told enough times in many ways , I do finally listen. What I have realized (and what everyone else probably knew) is that I have been living at capacity for a long time and often left tired and drained. It is somewhat deceptive because this type fullness is comprised of all good things, but sometimes we are so full that we can no longer taste that which we wanted in the first place.
What I am learning in new ways is that we don’t have to live the life we have created if it is no longer is life giving. This is not what we were made for. We have the power to make choices and make changes. I say this everyday to my clients, but now I am about to step into it myself.
As of August 1st I am closing my practice to new clients indefinitely. I have had seasons of doing this because my practice has been full for some time, but this time it is different. It is no longer about staying full, rather it is now about getting un-full, emptying in a sense, so that I can carefully choose what is life giving once again. It’s about trusting my sense and listening that there are other things ahead for this season and choosing to spend my time in different ways that are still meaningful. It’s about doing things differently so that I can be more present in my life once again. (BTW- if you already are one of my clients I’m not leaving you! 🙂
Its taken me a few months to get to this point and make these choices. There is sacrifice and risk involved like any big change. But I am now open to the possibility that perhaps life can be done another way- one that is less hectic, but still full of the things that matter. We can break out of the patterns of what we are “supposed” to do and choose a different life that’s meaningful and fulfilling. We often have choices even when we feel like we do not.
So as I am thinking through this process and what it will look like, I randomly come across this author’s name yesterday in a post and realize that I have had her book for months on my desk. And of course, it is all about slowing the pace, listening, rest, and choosing what kind of life you want to live. The timing could not be more perfect in giving me the wisdom to learn to be more present in this next season. I look forward to sharing more about this journey with you.