The Most Important Skill in Any Relationship

Our marriage is one of the greatest things in my life—and, at times, it’s also been one of the hardest. We’d both agree on that.

At the New York Times Well Festival a few weeks ago, therapist and author Terry Real shared a truth that deeply resonated with me:

Repair is the most important relationship skill.

{This is so important in marriages and parenting and friendships—in every relationship!}

“Repair is a one-way street. Everybody gets that wrong. It’s not a dialogue. It’s not, ‘These are your issues with me? Well, here’s my issue with you.’ Check your ego at the door, bring them back into harmony with you, and then maybe you can talk about yourself. When your partner is in a state of disrepair with you, you’re at the customer service window. Somebody comes to the window and says, ‘My microwave doesn’t work.’ They don’t want to hear from you, ‘Well, my toaster doesn’t work.’ Fix their goddamn microwave. Then they might be able to listen to you.” - Terry Real

We’ve learned over the years how to keep coming back to the table, even when it’s hard. And because of that our marriage has grown and keeps growing even after two decades.